


Right now it feels like we're bleeding (so deep that we might not get back up)

by DistractionCake



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7898743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DistractionCake/pseuds/DistractionCake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PREVIEW:</p><p>"'Mom, I'm not coming back.' The silence is deafening, but a beat passes and her mother sighs." </p><p>SUMMARY:</p><p>{Post-S6A AU} Alternatively titled, Emily fucks through Europe. Something [tragic] happens, and Emily leaves for that Habitat for Humanity trip after all. The thing is, she doesn't come back. </p><p>[Emily-centric fic.]</p><p>
  <strong>ORIGINALLY POSTED IN 2015*</strong>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Right now it feels like we're bleeding (so deep that we might not get back up)

**Author's Note:**

> [crossposting-in-progress]
> 
> For continuity's sake, this would take place post S6A, with all the events until 6x09 being canon. After that, we go bananas lmao Things of note to know: Spencer went to Yale, rather than Georgetown, CeCe was not -A and in this fic is just Ali's friend. And as for Sara Harvey...well, you'll see.
> 
> Things to remember as you take on this mammoth fic lol:
> 
> (1) This is basically a multishipper's haven haha. No, but seriously, expect Emily/Everyone before we reach that Emily/Alison endgame.
> 
> (2) Heed the **rating** and the **tags**.
> 
> (3) Enjoy my lame sense of humor haha
> 
> Disclaimer: Stole the title from the Zedd song, "Papercut." I don't have a beta. I don't own PLL.

  

 

 

* * *

 

 

Things were supposed to be better now, weren't they?

They had caught -A and Red Coat during Prom Night and had therefore been allowed to go to commencement. Spencer had given her beautiful valedictorian speech and now, here they were in Spencer's living room that same night, having drinks and laughing and enjoying the fact that they had made it to graduation. They survived - all of them. Everything was supposed to be better now, wasn't it?

_Hope, it breeds eternal misery._

Emily hates herself for asking in the first place.

 

* * *

 

She's late. _Shit._

It's Saturday, the day before Aria heads out to Los Angeles, and they're all supposed to meet at The Brew to spend the day together.

As Emily rushes down the stairs, cursing her alarm for not going off and having to miss her morning run, she shouts to the living room a _Going out! Be back later! Love you!_ before her father's voice stops her just a few inches short of opening the front door.

"Emily. Come here."

Emily sighs and turns to walk back into the living room, and it's then that she notices the scene. Her mother is sitting on the couch, her father standing to the side as he speaks with two police officers. Emily's brows furrow as she approaches the men.

"Emily, honey. Take a seat," her father instructs as her mother moves to the side and pats the spot next to her. Her eyes are teary and Emily begins to officially worry.

"What's going on?" she asks.

"Honey, this is Courtland P.D. They…" her mother trails off, before taking a deep breath and pushing through. "They came to notify us."

"Notify us of what?" Emily asks, turning to lock eyes with her mother.

"Sara Harvey," one of the officers finally speaks up. Emily turns to look at him and feels her mother's hand grasp hers. "Her mother found her unresponsive in her bed this morning. The coroner ruled it a suicide. The hospital has confirmed it as an overdose."

_You know that moment, when you first dip your head underwater? The sound of water filling up your ears? How sounds distort and mute and_ …

It's the only way Emily could describe the moments that follow.

 

* * *

 

Emily doesn't know how long she stays frozen in that spot. She's vaguely aware of the police officers leaving, her mother and father speaking to her, the girls showing up at the door and Pam turning them away. The living room darkens with the approaching night and all Emily can hear is water.

Water in her fucking ears.

 

* * *

 

The next time Emily is even vaguely aware of anything, she realizes she's tucked in her bed. She opens her eyes and slowly sits up to glance around her room. The cot has been brought in and there's a chair by her bed. Her bedroom door is slightly ajar, and she can just barely make out her parent's shadows silhouetted by the dim hallway light on the wall. Hushed whispers is all Emily hears.  
_  
How could this happen again, Wayne?_

_I don't know._

_Again! Not once, not twice, but three times!_

_I know._

_What could our daughter possibly have done to deserve this kind of punishment?_

Her mother's voice breaks.

The shadows move toward each other. Her father embracing her mother, Emily realizes, as the sound of her mother's hushed cries reach her ears. Emily lays back down and closes her eyes.

_Other towns have nice toxic dumps. Rosewood has you._

* * *

 

_The girls took Aria to the airport today. They said to tell you that they're here for you, Em._

_I made your favorite soup, honey._

_You want me to draw you a bath?_

_How about we go for a run, Emmy?_

She knows her parents are trying, but all Emily wants is for the ground to swallow her whole. She doesn't want to move, she eats the bare minimum because she knows her mother won't hesitate to take her to the hospital if she doesn't.

It's a cycle that covers a few days and Emily silently forges through it.

Until.

"Sara's memorial service is tomorrow," her mother says from her place in the chair. "Is that something you would want to go to?"

"No," Emily answers, her back to her mother. If she's surprised at the fact that Emily answers, Pam doesn't show it.

"Are you sure, honey? I wouldn't want you to regret your decision," Pam softly says.

"It's not going to be about her."

"What?"

"The service. It won't be about her. It'll be all about her mother," Emily answers. Pam doesn't answer, only sighs and let's the conversation drop.

 

* * *

 

The following afternoon, Emily hears her mother drop into the chair by her bedside with a huff.

"That woman, I swear. She's-" Pam makes a frustrated noise. "A spectacle."

Emily smiles softly at her mother's vocal disdain for Mrs. Fucking Harvey.

"That girl Claire came up to me at the service, though. She told me to give you her condolences. She was nice, very polite," Pam adds.

A beat passes.

"Your father is cooking his famous Fields Chicken. Would you like me to bring you up a plate when it's ready?" her mother asks.

Emily turns and faces her mother.

"Yes, please," Emily answers with a soft smile.

Her mother's eyes fill with tears as she leans forward to quickly place a kiss on Emily's forehead.

"Let me go get changed out of these clothes and I'll bring that right up for you," she says as she rushes out the door, as if trying to leave before Emily changes her mind.

_No matter what happens_ _, you mean a lot to me._

 

* * *

 

It's been a full 10 days since Emily received the news. She's woken up this day feeling less… _less like I want to die_ … and decides to head over and take a shower.

As she quietly pads over to the bathroom, she can hear her parent's voices downstairs. She walks into the bathroom and shuts the door behind her. As she turns to look at herself in the mirror above the sink, a small empty laugh escapes her at seeing her appearance for the first time in so long.

She looks like _shit._

Emily moves to cover her mouth as another laugh escapes her, because honestly she looks like - _like death_. The irony of it all doesn't escape Emily and before she can help it, tears are forming in her eyes and her breathing is quickening and - _I think I'm having a panic attack_.

She leans forward and grabs a hold of the sink and struggles to calm her breathing. She glances back at the mirror, but her vision is slightly blurry leaving her reflection looking almost as if Emily was staring at a funhouse mirror. And then -

the fucking water in her ears.

The next few moments are a blur and Emily isn't aware of much until she's suddenly on the bathroom floor, her body pulled against her father's. He has a tight grip on her right hand and Emily is starting to slowly understand the words that are coming out of his mouth.

_Breathe, Emmy. Breathe, it's okay._

Her vision clears and she's able to focus on the hand in her father's grip. There's blood dripping from it. Emily looks up and sees the bathroom mirror smashed.

Her mother suddenly appears at the door, their first aid kit in hand.

Emily briefly wonders how many more times she can be stitched up, before all that's left are pieces that no longer fit together.

_Stolen Dolls (_ _No Son Lindas_ _)_

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Emily wakes in the middle of the night. She lays on her back before glancing over at the cot. Her mother is sound asleep.

Emily moves her right hand closer to her face to inspect the bandage.

"Don't pick at it," her father's soft voice instructs.

Emily turns her head to the left to see him. The window blinds are open, so he is illuminated in the chair by the moonlight. His hands are toying with something. Emily fully turns to face him.

"What's that?" she surprises herself by asking, but honestly, anything is better than a talk about what went down that afternoon.

Wayne's hands still, before he moves to hand her whatever it is. Emily's brows furrow as she sits up and reaches for - a ticket. A flight ticket. Emily squints to better see the printed out letters and -

"Thailand?" she whispers.

"Your mother and I made a few calls earlier. They're willing to accept you for the remaining six weeks of the program," he says. "It… it helped last time didn't it?" he softly asks, for the first time sounding unsure of himself.

Emily glances back up, "Yes. Thank you." She swallows back the emotion that is bubbling up her throat.

"We love you, Emmy. We just. We want you to…" Wayne's emotions overtake him. He glances at his sleeping wife's form.

Emily reaches over and places her uninjured hand over her father's right hand. She gives it a squeeze.

The words _we want you to live_ remain unspoken, but not unheard.

 

* * *

 

Emily isn't sure who she was expecting to see upon arriving in Thailand. Nicole? Zoe? She doesn't know, but as she descends the escalators in the airport, she feels like she should have known. _Of course._

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," she answers back. They stand face to face for an awkward beat, before Emily manages to find her voice again. "Bag check. I brought a suitcase, I need to -"

"Yeah, no. Of course," he interrupts as he gestures forward. They begin to walk toward baggage claim as he speaks again, "How was your flight?"

"Good," Emily succinctly answers. Thankfully, that's enough to bring home the point that small talk is _not_ what she's looking for. He remains quiet for the rest of their walk.

As they reach the bag check area, Emily spots her suitcase and makes a beeline for it. As she reaches to pull it off the conveyor belt though, the homemade stitches her father gave her pull at her knuckles and Emily winces. Suddenly, another hand reaches out and grabs her suitcase for her.

She looks up and mutters her thanks.

"No problem," he says, as he begins to walk toward the exit.

Emily sighs as she watches Ezra Fitz walk away. She takes a deep breath next and dutifully follows.

 

* * *

 

The first week is...not easy. Emily snaps at a few volunteers, the stress of feeling completely useless because of her hand just another thing in her long list of...

_Failures_.

Eventually, Zoe moves her to work with her exclusively. Her calm demeanor and infinite patience, blessings that Emily can't even begin to articulate her gratefulness for.

After a couple of days working together, Zoe decides to take Emily out to a fancy-as-friends dinner.

The place is nice and Emily feels underdressed. She can barely understand the meals on the menu - despite the fact that it is in fact in English - her stitches are bothering her, and it's so hot Emily fears the people one table over can probably smell her.

"Hey," Zoe's soft voice cuts through Emily's inner panic. "I'm really glad you're here," she says with a smile. It's such a simple thing to say, something that at any other point in her life Emily might have dismissed as just politeness, but in that moment - it hits Emily harder than she expected.

Because she _is_ here, in _this_ moment. Emily blinks away the tears forming in her eyes and clears her throat before speaking.

"Me too."

 

* * *

 

That weekend, Zoe takes Emily to the doctor to get her stitches out.

"Right as rain," he says with a smile. Emily flexes her hand and still feels a phantom twinge there.

Emily imagines a severed marionettes' strings.

Still a doll.

 

* * *

 

Still, no stitches means she can _actually_ feel useful. Zoe integrates her back into the group of volunteers for that second week. And although she mostly keeps to herself, working alongside them feels a little like the pressure on Emily's chest is beginning to dissipate.

 

* * *

 

On the third week, Nicole invites her to a party. Emily is almost 100% certain that they're not supposed to be there.

"Live a little, yeah?" Nicole says.

_A little_ , Emily concedes in her mind. She's not sure why she's surprised, but of course Ezra is waiting for the two of them to head out.

The three of them end up at some warehouse party and Emily can already feel herself sweating from the amount of people crammed into it. Nicole leads them over to the right side, closer to the walls than the dancefloor, but it's still incredibly filled with people. Emily's sure it's a fire hazard of epic proportions. As the music plays, Nicole manages to pull Ezra into dancing and Emily watches them.

They look...interesting together. Before she can ponder that relationship much more, all the lights in the warehouse turn red and begin to pulse. Suddenly, a loud blaring alarm begins to ring out in time with them.

Emily's instinct is to cover her ears and suddenly - she's in another room, an alarm that won't stop ringing, and impossible choice, and _no no no no no_

Someone bumps into Emily and Emily shakes off the memory as she rushes toward one of the exits she had spotted earlier. The warehouse too suffocating now.

As Emily pushes the door open, she falls into an alleyway at the side of the building. A light is suddenly shining into the alleyway and, if Emily were anything but overwhelmed and panicked, she would have been able to tell it was from a cyclist.

As it is, Emily's suddenly transported to another memory - she glances at her hands and they're bloody, the knife slipping from her grasp, the realization of what she had just done -

"The lighthouse, the lighthouse. He's dead," she mutters.

She feels someone tug at her arm, and she turns panicked to face them.

"Emily, breathe," Ezra says. His hair is plastered to his face and _oh_ \- it's drizzling.

"Th-th-the alarm. It -" Emily tries to explain, but the words seem to be stuck in her throat.

"I know. I know, it's okay," he says as he stands in front of her.

_Of course you do_ , Emily thinks. Anger now coursing through her veins. She clenches her right hand and feels it twinge. Before she can give it anymore thought though, she pulls back her arm and punches him straight in the face. He stumbles back against the opposite wall cupping his nose.

"Of course you know. Of course! Because you know everything! Because you're just as bad as all the other people that have tried to-to-to control us! What makes you better, huh? Because you took a bullet for us? It's the least you could have done after exploiting us and taking away our agency and taking away just as much as every single _fucking_ person that's ever met us!" Emily screams at him.

Ezra pulls his hands away from his face, his nose dripping blood, but he remains quiet.

Emily let's out a humorless laugh, " _God_. You know, all I ever wanted was to keep us safe. To keep us alive. To save us. And look! I failed! Every single time, I've failed! Why am I even here? I can't help anyone, I can't save anyone..." A sob overtakes Emily.

Alison.  
Maya.  
Sara.

Only one came back, _just like Mona._

But the real victims - they never stood a chance. Playing a game that was rigged against them from the start.

And that's not to mention all the other people that have been ruined just by being around them. By being around Emily.

Emily clenches her hand and feels it twinge. Wonders if the pieces that are hazardously held together have finally ceased to fit.

A broken doll.

Before Emily can wallow anymore, she feels her back hit the brick of the warehouse. There are hands on her shoulders.

"You already have," Ezra gruffly says. "You already have saved someone. Yourself. _You saved yourself_. Every morning that you wake up and take on the world, you save yourself, Emily. And I know that you probably couldn't care less about my opinion, and you have every right not to, but please believe me when I say that that's enough. You saved yourself Emily, and that's enough," he finishes.

Emily's cries have calmed down and as Ezra steps back, she feels the light drizzle on her arms and face. She slides down against the wall and sits on the alleyway floor, her arms around her knees.

Ezra steps back until he too slides down the opposite wall, his legs outstretched in front of him. He wipes the blood from his face.

They sit in silence for a few moments, just listening. Listening to the sound of the rain falling, to the thumping of the music inside the warehouse, to the jingling of bikes as they pass by.

Emily doesn't hear the water in her ears anymore.

"Thank you," Emily says with a sniffle. "Thank you for coming out after me," she finishes.

"Of course," Ezra responds.

"I'm not apologizing for hitting you, though. Someone should have years ago," she says with a wry smile.

"Fair enough," he responds. "Although, someone did once. Mike, actually," Ezra continues.

The image of Mike hitting Ezra - of the fact that Mike and Emily herself are the _only_ ones to have hit Ezra - fills her with some perverse joy. Emily can't help the laughter that bubbles up out of her.

Soon, Ezra's chuckles join her laughter.

The door to Emily's left suddenly opens though, cutting through their laughs.

"Oh, there you are! What on earth are you doing sitting out here in the rain? And oh my gosh, Ezra! What happened?" Nicole says as she walks over to check his face.

"We lived a little," Emily can't help but respond. Nicole glances back incredulously at her.

Emily can't hold in her laughter any longer and then once more she and Ezra are a mess of giggles.

Nicole glances between them with a look of fond exasperation, before standing from her crouched position in front of Ezra.

"Honestly, you two," she says just as fondly, as she walks over to pull Emily up. "We should get going. It's gotten to the point where I can't tell when they switch songs."

"They're playing more than one song?" Ezra asks as he stands.

Now it's the girls turn to laugh. And as Nicole wraps her arms around Emily's and the trio walks out of the alleyway, still a mess of giggles in the rain, Emily finally feels as though the pressure in her chest is completely gone.

Emily finally breathes.

_I am not your doll._

 

* * *

 

The next couple of weeks, Emily not only feels useful, but begins to feel like a part of the group. She hangs out with more volunteers during work, she goes out on their afternoon excursions, she sits at different tables for dinner.

On one day, Emily cracks a lame joke at Ezra's expense. It's silly and not at all really funny, but the affronted look on his face is enough to send Nicole cackling. Before long, Zoe's muffled chuckles are heard, followed by the giggles of all the other volunteers working.

It's the best Emily's felt in a very long time.

 

* * *

 

On the weekend before their last week, they have a bonfire. There's music, drinks, food, and joyous company. Emily feels as light as a feather.

She joins Zoe where she's sitting by the fire.

"You okay there, champ?" she asks with a smile, as Emily sits next to her none too gracefully.

"More than, more than. There's no more water, you know? Clear hearing," Emily responds.

"I'm…glad," Zoe responds with a bemused expression.

Nicole's loud laugh on the other side of the fire catches their attention as they see Ezra attempt some dance.

"God, _those_ two," Emily says pointing with her drink.

"You like her, yeah?" Zoe asks. "She does swing both ways, remember?" she continues in a friendly tone.

"Yeah, but like…" Emily trails off as she turns to look at Zoe. A smile forms on her face. "You know, I don't think I could ever properly thank you for all that you've done for me these past couple of years," she says, her voice steadier than she thought it would be.

"No thanks necessary," Zoe replies, waving her hand.

Before she can overthink it, Emily sets her drink down and reaches over to cup Zoe's face.

She kisses her. It lasts a few moments, before Emily pulls back and rests their foreheads together.

"Thank you," Emily says with a smirk.

"Yeah, no problem," Zoe says as she swallows.

Emily laughs as she pulls all the way back and picks up her cup. She takes a swig, before looking back at Zoe who's trying to contain the smile on her face.

"You're super cute, you know that?" Emily says.

"Shut up," Zoe replies with an eye-roll, as she gets up mumbling something about cocky babygays.

"Hey!" Emily shouts at her with a laugh. She toasts to the air, "No more water."

 

* * *

 

Emily is walking out of the dining hall with Nicole, a few days before their trip is over, and she comments on how unhappy she is with the situation.

"I just wish I didn't have to go back, you know?" Emily asks exasperatedly, as she kicks at the ground on the way to their cabin.

Nicole freezes on the spot.

"Nicole?" Emily asks concerned.

"Then don't."

"What?"

"Don't go back."

"Where would I go?"

"India."

"India?"

"My place in India. I'm still on the lease for another couple of months. I could definitely use a roommate," she says with a cheeky smile.

"A roommate?" Emily asks incredulously.

"Or something more," Nicole sultrily says, as she steps closer to Emily.

"What about Ezra?"

"He's nice."

When Nicole offers no more than that, Emily snorts.

"I...I don't know. It's a big decision."

"Hey, you do what you gotta do, Rocky. Just know the offer stands," she says with a friendly smile, as she steps back and continues on her way to her room.

Emily watches her go.

That night, Emily compares her two options.

Going back to a suffocating Rosewood, and then to a community college she has no interest in, or going to India and…

And breathing.

 

* * *

 

The following morning at breakfast, Emily steps up behind Nicole in line.

"What kind of job could I get in India?" she asks.

Nicole turns around, smile wide.

"Leave that to me," she says.

"Okay," Emily smiles.

 

* * *

 

She calls her mother that afternoon and tells her.

"Mom, I'm not coming back."

The silence is deafening, but a beat passes and her mother sighs.

"Your father will deposit some money into your account first thing tomorrow. You _will_ need a job, you know we can't completely support you."

"I know, Mom."

"And every Sunday at 5 pm Texas time you _will_ call me. You figure out the time difference and if there is _one_ missed call, you're on the first flight back here, you hear me?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Good," Pam says. She releases a breath. "I just want you to be okay, Emily," she says, her held back tears still audible even across hemispheres.

"I know, Mom. Thank you," Emily says.

They stay quiet for a few minutes, before Emily informs her mother she needs to go and arrange some final things.

"Okay, honey. Be safe, okay? And call me!"

"Yes, Mom." A beat passes. "And Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I will be."

"Be what?"

"Okay. I will be _okay_."

"I love you, Emily."

"I love you too."

 

* * *

 

After a hug from Zoe, and a whispered _Next summer, yeah?_ Emily laughs and heads over to hug Ezra.

"I guess I'll see ya' when I see ya', huh?" he says.

"Yeah," she answers as she pulls back.

"Goodbye, Ezra."

"Goodbye, Emily."

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, as Emily exits the airport in New Delhi, she takes a deep breath.

"Welcome to India," Nicole says with a fond smile. "Come on, there's much to see."

_Much indeed_ , Emily thinks.

 

* * *

 

Nicole gets her a job at a local market bagging groceries. It's not much, but she has her afternoons and weekends free. It allows Emily to save up her money to go out and do things. Because you see, when Nicole mentioned she could use a roommate, she meant it because she had the space and the free time - not because she needed someone to help pay for expenses. The apartment's been paid for in advance by her father, and because of that, the landlord waived away utility fees.

"Seriously?" Emily had asked.

"Yeap," Nicole had smiled.

 

* * *

 

A week into living in India, Emily's phone falls into a bucket of water she had been using to mop up a spill by the register.

She goes with Nicole to get a new one - it means getting a new number.

"I thought this whole not-going-back-to-Rosewood meant being able to leave everyone behind, so that you could focus on yourself. Plus, other than your parents, who really needs your number?" Nicole rationalizes.

_She has a good point,_ Emily thinks. She had already had to block calls from the girls, because she couldn't...She couldn't face them. Not yet.

"You're right," Emily says.

Her parents already have Nicole's number, the landlord's number, and the grocery store's number. She doesn't have to worry. She'll give them the new one and - keep moving forward.

"Live a little," Emily says under her breath, while the phone store employee goes in the back to get a water resistant case.

"Or a lot," Nicole says as she playfully nudges her shoulder.

Emily smiles at her.

"Or a lot."

 

* * *

 

About a month into living together, they go out to a club with some of Nicole's coworkers from the youth center. There's another American, another Aussie, and two Brits.

They get wasted.

Emily's laughing so hard as Nicole and Kyle, the American, have an argument about _Sailor Moon_ of all things.

Jeremy, one of the Brits, comes to sit by Emily with new drinks in hand. He hands her one and strikes up a conversation with her.

"London, you have to see London. It's a shit city, but if you're doing this whole Eurasian trip, it would be a disservice to not go see Big Ben. And honestly, it's not asshitty - I mean, it's home yeah?" he says, his words slurring together.

"Yeah. England," Emily says as she takes a drink. She considers it. She doesn't know how long she's going to keep this trip going, but… it's an option.

"An option," Emily mutters to herself as Nicole comes crashing down next to her.

"He's an idiot. Cousins? Like, come on," Nicole mutters.

"You okay there?" Emily asks as Nicole moves to place her head in the crook of Emily's neck.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good, Rocky," she answers.

Emily rolls her eyes at the nickname. She ended up having to admit to Nicole and Zoe that she had, in fact, been the one to punch Ezra. They didn't give anymore details about the situation, and had assured them everything was fine, so the girls could do nothing except eventually accept their excuse. But not without teasing.

"You wanna head out?" Emily asks.

"Definitely," Nicole answers with a soft sigh. Her warm breath hitting Emily and making her shiver.

Nicole gets on her feet, her arm outstretched. Emily takes a hold of her hand and hauls herself to her feet, too. The two say their goodbyes and head out to catch a taxi.

It isn't until Emily is sitting in the back of it, Nicole idly chatting with the driver, that Emily realizes she never let go of the other girl's hand.

 

* * *

 

They don't let go until Nicole goes to unlock the apartment door. Once inside, the door shut behind them, Nicole turns to look at Emily.

"I…" Emily begins to say, but trails off.

Nicole gives her a small smile. "Goodnight, Emily," she says, as she begins to walk over to her room.

Emily doesn't let her get far though, her hand reaching over to grab her arm and stopping her.

They share another look.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to, Emily," Nicole says.

"I want to," Emily responds, as she leans forward and kisses Nicole.

Nicole's arms automatically wrap around Emily's neck and pull her closer. Emily wraps her arms around the other girl's waist.

"Are you sure?" Nicole asks panting, as they pull apart.

"Yes," Emily answers, as she reaches to tug Nicole's shirt off.

They stumble to Nicole's bedroom. A pile of clothes left in their wake.

 

* * *

 

They've been together for almost two months when Halloween rolls around.

They celebrate the holiday at Kyle's non-costume party. A few too many drinks in, Nicole drags Emily into the bathroom and pushes her against the bathroom counter.

"Fuck," Emily moans as Nicole begins to suck on her neck.

"Working on it, babe," Nicole says. She moves her hands to unbutton Emily's jeans, and wastes no time in sliding her hand inside her underwear and pressing two fingers into her.

" _Fuuuck,_ " Emily hisses as she tries to catch her breath.

_Maybe breathing is overrated_ , Emily briefly thinks.

 

* * *

 

About a week before American Thanksgiving, Emily works her last shift at the grocery store. The next week is meant to be about making travel arrangements to head back.

When she reaches the apartment, Emily walks into what has been their bedroom these last couple of months and sighs at all the packing she still has left to do.

She decides to wait for Nicole before getting started on it. Emily grabs her laptop and heads over to the bed. She turns it on and as soon as it boots up, she goes to buy her ticket. She knows she's cutting it too close by not having bought it months ago, like Nicole had, but Emily was still waiting for an excuse or a reason to stick around even longer.

As she begins to type up the information, she notices a special holiday discount the website has up for select cities. Emily decides to glance at the list.

_What's the harm?_   she thinks.

It doesn't take long for one city to catch her eye above all the rest. Emily bites at her lip, contemplating it.

_There's your reason,_ Emily thinks.

She books the flight.

 

* * *

 

Nicole holds the printed out ticket in her hand later that night. A fond smile on her face.

"It's a great city, you'll love it," she says.

"Nicole…"

"We had a good run, yeah?" Nicole says, as she sets the ticket down on their kitchen counter and reaches over to grab Emily's hand.

Emily closes her eyes at the contact. "I'm sorry," she apologizes.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Nicole softly says, as she moves to cup Emily's face.

Emily opens her eyes and sees nothing but understanding in Nicole's eyes.

"You should text Ezra when you get back to the States."

Nicole's eyes widen before a loud laugh leaves her lips. She moves forward to kiss Emily.

"What makes you think I haven't texted him already?" she cheekily answers, as she pulls back and dances away from Emily.

" _Liar,_ " Emily laughs as she chases after her.

As their laughter fills the apartment, Emily knows these last four months are something she will forever treasure.

 

* * *

 

_I should have worn a thicker coat_ , Emily thinks.

From the few words she manages to understand, most people around her have been caught just as off guard by the weather change as she has.

The first snow of the year.

As Emily approaches, all thoughts of being cold leave her mind.

_It's beautiful,_ Emily thinks. The snow, the lights of the tower illuminating the night. Emily stands almost below it as she looks. She takes a deep breath and knows in her heart, she made the right choice.

"Picked a good night to come," a voice says from behind Emily.

Emily continues to look up as the person comes to stand next to her.

"Yeah," Emily says on an exhale.

"You know, I literally kicked my roommate out like two days ago. The prick wouldn't ever wash his dirty dishes."

Emily finally tears her eyes away and looks at her companion.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Come on."

Emily watches CeCe Drake walk away. She spares one final look at the Eiffel Tower all light up, snow softly falling around it. Emily smiles and moves to follow.

_You and me, in sweet Paris._

 

* * *

 

It turns out, CeCe's not so bad of a roommate. She helps Emily get a job at a cafe, and stops by to have lunch with her almost every day. Emily doesn't know where CeCe works or what it is she does, but she's not about to ask. Her ever changing designer sunglasses don't inspire much confidence.

 

* * *

 

"Do you have enough scarves? You don't want to get sick."

"Yes, mom."

"Good. What about gloves? And socks?"

 

* * *

 

A few days before Christmas, Emily sends out her gifts. She knows they won't make it in time, but it's only now that she's been able to get everything.

She's sent her mother a book of Indian cuisine that she's sure she'll love. As for her father, she's gotten him a Christmas sweater with the Eiffel Tower on it. She's also written them both letters that say the words she doesn't know how to articulate over the phone. Words about how grateful she is, about how much she misses them, about how much she loves them, about how sorry she is.

The letters end on a promise to come home.

Emily doesn't know exactly when that will happen, but she knows that it's a promise she intends to keep.

Among her other gifts, she's bought CeCe some expensive scented candles that she specifically asked for. Emily had rolled her eyes at that, but nevertheless had gotten them.

She's sent Zoe a postcard. Not much, but she knows the other girl will appreciate it.

As for Nicole, she's sent her a coffee table book about France. She's sure the girl must already be planning her next trip.

The final thing dropped in the mail is Ezra's gift.

A "Raging Bull" movie poster.

 

* * *

 

Christmas Eve is definitely different that any of her previous years.

CeCe drags her to a gay club and the two of them spend the entire night dancing. CeCe more than enjoying herself among a group of gay men, while Emily finds herself with more than a couple of new numbers saved on her phone.

_Change_ , Emily thinks as she smirks at the older woman at the bar who has just bought her a drink, _can definitely be a good thing_.

The next morning, Christmas, Emily wakes up to find breakfast having been made and a gift with her name on it on the counter. She goes for the gift first and unwraps it.

It's a pair of expensive sneakers Emily had been eyeing. Emily's eyes widen just as CeCe reenters the kitchen.

"Oh good, you're up. Eat and get dressed, we have plans."

"CeCe, these are super expensive," Emily says in lieu of response. "I can't accept these."

"Why not, Americano? You got me the candles I wanted, I got you the shoes you wanted. My bosses were very generous with our holiday bonuses," CeCe smirks.

"Do you work for a drug dealer?" Emily asks slightly horrified.

"No," CeCe rolls her eyes. "I'm a secret shopper. Now, eat. And get dressed!"

 

* * *

 

Turns out, CeCe's plans for them are to go see a Christmas tree that is shaped like a butt plug.

Emily just shakes her head the entire time.

 

* * *

 

New Years is spent at a party thrown by one of Emily's coworkers. There's champagne flowing, music playing, and a good time had for all.

"Your French is getting better," CeCe comments when the two of them find themselves on the balcony, about two minutes before midnight.

"Thanks," Emily responds.

They stay quiet, but it's not long before the countdown begins. Emily feels CeCe looking at her, so she turns.

CeCe reaches forward just as the excited shouts from inside grow in volume.

The kiss is soft and chaste and nothing like Emily would have expected from the other woman.

As they separate, CeCe winks at her before heading back inside.

 

* * *

 

Emily doesn't think much of it, of the kiss, until two nights later when CeCe comes home drunk.

Emily exits her room when she hears a commotion at the door. She finds CeCe struggling to take off her high heels, close to falling on her ass.

As Emily reaches a steadying hand, the other girl gives her a blinding smile.

"Jesus, CeCe. You're drunk."

"I was having fun!" CeCe counters.

"It's barely midnight and you're already wasted. How is that fun?" Emily asks with a raised eyebrow.

CeCe seems to take Emily's comment into consideration before she speaks again.

"You're right. But I know exactly what can make this _actually_   fun," CeCe says in a sultry voice, as she leans forward to try and kiss Emily.

Emily leans back, while still holding the other woman mostly upright.

"CeCe, you're drunk. You don't know what you're doing," Emily responds.

If she's honest, Emily knows that under different circumstances she might take the offer. CeCe's attractive and has always flirted with her. Emily would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about it. But not like this, not tonight.

"You know, if you squint your eyes just right, I look just like her."

Emily freezes. She pulls her arms back roughly, the other woman falling to lean against the front door.

"Fuck you," Emily says, not with anger, but with disappointment.

Emily then begins to walk back to her bedroom. She can't quite believe CeCe took it there. Emily knows that CeCe probably knows more than she leads on, but still. It's a low blow and Emily's not about to just stand there and take the abuse.

Before she can get very far though, CeCe speaks up again.

"Come on. In a certain light, I bet I look just like the other one, too. The _actually_   dead one."

Emily stops in her tracks. She turns around and shakes her head. _How dare she?_

"What is wrong with you?" Emily asks incredulously. Because, who actually says this shit out loud? Who actually thinks that is an acceptable thing to say?

"Oh, _please_. Like you haven't gone to town on yourself thinking about fucking them each. Fucking them both together too, actually," CeCe says, amused at her own comment.

Emily is speechless. _This is not happening._

"Come on, we can pretend. It's not like I haven't done it before," CeCe admits.

With that, Emily shakes her head and turns to finish walking back into her room. She's not going to be a part of whatever the _fuck_ CeCe is trying to achieve by pushing her like this.

Suddenly, something flies by Emily's head. Once it lands on the floor, Emily can see it's a shoe.

CeCe just threw her heel at Emily. And missed.

_What the fuck?_

"What? Am I suddenly not good enough anymore? Is that it? That's what it always is, isn't it? Never have been, never will be, good enough. Well, fuck you! Fuck you all!" CeCe shouts as she goes to sit on the couch, dropping into it none too gracefully.

Emily turns and she can see the other woman's shoulders shaking, as she tries to hold in her barely audible cries. Emily sighs.

She knows that the smart thing to do would be to just walk away. CeCe's clearly drunk off her ass and needs to sleep it off. But, Emily's never exactly been able to just walk away from someone in need.

_I think we acted too hastily in letting her stay with us. You know, she doesn't wanna go to therapy and we just don't have the tools to help her._

_We can't send her back to her mom's._

_Honey, if something happens to her while she's here, I'll be held responsible._

_I know, but nothing is gonna happen to her, okay? I know what she's been through. I can help her._

_Honey, I don't know everything that happened to you... during those three weeks. But I know you still can't sleep through the night and you jump every time a door shuts. Sara was in there for over two years. Neither of us can know what she's been through or have any idea what it is she really needs right now._

Emily shakes off the memory as she kneels in front of CeCe. She places a hand on CeCe's left knee and catches the other woman's attention.

"You _are_ good enough," Emily softly whispers.

CeCe looks at her with tears still in her eyes, "Then prove it."

Emily stands, the gentle rejection on the tip of her tongue, but unable to vocalize it as CeCe - who has gotten up in tandem with her - forcefully kisses her.

Emily stumbles backwards as she tries to pull away. Her left leg smashes against the coffee table and eventually Emily's back hits the wall next to the television. CeCe still trying to kiss her.

"CeCe, stop. You're drunk," Emily says, as she manages to hold the other woman back, despite still being trapped against the wall.

"At night when you go to sleep, whose face do you see just before you close your eyes?" CeCe asks conspiratorially. "The girl from India? Your ex from California?"

"CeCe…"

"Me?" CeCe sneers before continuing. "The dead girl? Alison?"

Emily flinches at the last name.

CeCe stops struggling against Emily and her voice goes quiet as she speaks, "She's such an idiot. She had you and she fucked it up. She fucked it up."

"I fucked it up, too," Emily comments. "It wasn't… it wasn't just all her," Emily defends. A part of her hates that she still feels the need to do that, to protect Alison from things she doesn't need to be protected from. But another part of her knows she needs to clarify. Emily won't let anyone else bare her sins.

"Then why are you here?" CeCe asks.

"What?" Emily asks confused.

"You can go back, why are you here? Why? You can go back," CeCe's voice breaks on the last word.

And Emily _gets_ it.

The desperation in CeCe's voice not one she can ignore, Emily opts to answer honestly in the hopes of helping CeCe.

"Because of the water."

"The water?" CeCe asks utterly confused.

"When you dive into the water, all the outside noise goes away. You're all alone with yourself. That...that's what it was like for me back home. And here, here I can actually hear things. The bicycles in Thailand, the music at the Indian clubs, the angry French customers at the cafe," Emily says. She's on a roll now, unable to stop the words that have been so hard to vocalize. Until now. "And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of going back there and having my ears fill with water and not being able to swim away. And because of the windows. Down there it was just a cement block. Every night I'd try to picture what the outside was supposed to look like. What the outside of my bedroom window had always looked like. Sometimes when I wake up here, for a moment, I forget. I forget and I panic and then all I have to do is look out the window. There's no cement. I'm in France," Emily says with a laugh.

"But you know how to swim," CeCe says, her eyes looking more alert than they had all night long.

"I know," Emily swallows. "I will go back, but I'm... I'm not done yet."

This trip - it's been about finding herself, yes, but it's also been about finding the world. She never again wants to wake up and look at a cement block and regret all the things she never got to experience.

Life, love, loss.

Emily's had enough of the last two to last her a lifetime. The first one though, the first one she's still working on.

"Okay," CeCe says.

"You can go back too, you know," Emily softly responds.

CeCe fully pulls back before speaking, "I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of?"

"That I convinced myself that I knew how to swim, but all I know is how to drown."

 

* * *

 

A hand slams against the table.

"Well, hello to you too," Emily says, as she brings her cup of coffee to her mouth.

CeCe rolls her eyes as she takes the seat across from her.

The following days after DrunkGate, as Emily had coined it in her mind, were tense and weird and just odd. CeCe had tiptoed around Emily and kept to herself. It wasn't until Emily had invited her to accompany her to some art exhibit, that things had finally settled back to normal.

It probably had helped that the exhibit had ended up being about penises.

"Just look," CeCe orders, as she reaches over to steal some of Emily's lunch.

"Hey, get your own," Emily half-heartedly admonishes, as she reaches over to pick up whatever CeCe had slammed on the table.

Tickets.

"Italy?"

"Venice."

"Why?"

"Because it's going to be Valentine's Day and I'm tired of French men," CeCe explains.

"Ah."

"Plus, there's a lot of water there. I thought we could start getting over our fears of it sooner, rather than later," CeCe says with a playful smile.

"Sure," Emily rolls her eyes, despite the smile on her face.

 

* * *

 

She can't find her shoes.

She can't find her shoes.

"Under the couch," an accented voice moans from the bed.

Emily dashes forward to check and - _aha!_

Emily stands back up and looks at the woman still laying in bed. The small studio apartment a bit of a mess - due to their previous evening's activities.

"Thanks," Emily says as she finishes getting dressed.

The woman rolls over, using the sheet to cover her body.

"There's a nice bakery about two blocks down. They make good breakfast food," the woman suggests.

"Are you always this helpful to all your one night stands?" Emily asks cheekily.

"Just the pretty ones," the woman says stretching. "And the one's that leave me sore," she moans.

Emily laughs.

"Thanks. For the help," Emily says, as she moves to leave.

"Goodbye, Emily," the woman says with a smirk.

 

* * *

 

Emily checks her texts as she stands in line at the bakery.

**CeCe**

get that pussy, em [4:07 AM]

this man is taking me back to his place [4:08 AM]

he looks like a greek god [4:10 AM]

HUUUUUNG LIKE A HORSE [4:59 AM]

thoroughbred [8:00 AM]

enjoy the gondolas i'm gonna be riding some more of this bombass dick [8:02 AM]

i'll call u when i'm done [8:05 AM]

Emily shakes her head and laughs quietly.

_Happy Valentine's Day to us_ , Emily thinks.

"Emily?"

Emily looks up at the sound of her name.

"Talia?"

 

* * *

 

"And that's how I ended up in Italy," Talia says with a laugh.

"That's amazing. I'm glad you took the chance, you deserve it," Emily replies.

"You know, it's thanks to you that I even had the guts to say yes to the job offer. Hell, it's thanks to you I even had the guts to send out the resumes in the first place," Talia says as she takes a sip of her drink. They're enjoying some brunch together while catching up.

"Don't give me so much credit," Emily says looking away.

They sit quietly for a bit before Talia speaks up again.

"You know, I was still in Pennsylvania when everything went down. I was so worried," she says quietly.

"I'm okay now," Emily says and for a moment, she is taken aback by how sure she sounds of the sentiment.

_I'm okay now._

Talia smiles at her.

"Tell me about Paris."

 

* * *

 

The following night, Emily laughs as Talia's friends tell her a story about Talia's first week living in Italy.

It's a quaint gathering in Talia's apartment. When the other woman had asked Emily to attend, Emily had readily accepted.

"Okay, okay," one of Talia's chef friends speaks up. "How about you, Emily? Got any embarrassing stories to tell us about Talia?"

Talia glances at Emily, apprehension in her eyes.

"Nah. If anything, she's got some about me. I mean, the first time we met, I was in the midst of a breakup. I was a mess," Emily says with a laugh.

The conversation continues to flow, an embarrassing story about another guest taking center stage. The relief in Talia's eyes is clear. Emily gives her a smile.

Later that night, as everyone says their goodbyes, Emily helps Talia clean up a bit.

"Emily, I wanted to thank you for earlier," Talia says, as she joins Emily on the couch after putting away some empty trays.

"Don't worry about it," Emily smiles at her. She knows that she was the catalyst for the majority of the changes in Talia's life. The breakdowns she witnessed aren't exactly dinner party material.

Talia reaches over and places her left hand on Emily's bare thigh. Emily's eyes follow her hand's movement and look up when Talia speaks again.

"I _really_ want to thank you," Talia whispers. Her hand squeezes Emily's thigh.

_Oh._

Emily swallows, "Okay."

Without hesitation, Talia gets on her knees in front of Emily and pushes her dress up. She locks eyes with Emily who nods jerkily. Talia wastes no time, she reaches forward and licks up Emily's panty-covered sex.

"Fuck," Emily moans as her head falls back against the couch.

Talia moves to suck on her panty-covered clit.

"Take them off," Emily pants.

Talia pulls Emily's panties off and gives her a long lick.

_Happy Fucking Valentine's Day to me._

 

* * *

 

The next day, as she walks back to the hotel with a bag of fresh pastries in hand, Emily finally gets a call from CeCe.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to walk normally again."

"Congratulations."

"Oh honey, you _wish_ you had been getting the great fucking I just did."

"Who says I didn't?"

"Really?"

"And I even got pastries out of it, too."

"Emily Fields, you're my hero."

Emily laughs.

 

* * *

 

Almost a week after returning from Italy, CeCe smacks her hand against their kitchen counter, where Emily is currently sitting answering some emails.

"Seriously?" Emily asks, as she sees that it's a ticket. She reaches for it and sees that it's actually just _one_ ticket. Emily reads the information and smiles softly.

"You're going back?"

"Sink or swim, yeah?"

"Technically, your body should float."

"Was that a boob joke?" CeCe questions with a raised eyebrow.

Emily laughs. "Not that it should matter, but I'm proud of you," Emily says.

"Thank you," CeCe responds uncharacteristically shy, before she quickly moves to change the subject. "Anyway, if you want, I can help you get a roommate. The cafe isn't exactly going to be enough for rent."

As CeCe speaks, Emily glances back at her laptop. A half answered email to Talia stares back at her.

"Unless…" CeCe trails off as she glances at Emily's computer screen.

"Unless?"

"Well, unless this whole Eurasian trip is due its next stop. Italy wasn't bad," CeCe smirks.

Emily ponders CeCe's words and then it hits her.

_London, you have to see London._

"Actually…"

 

* * *

 

"Hey. You must be Emily."

"You've got to be kidding me."

As Emily stares at her new roommate, in her new flat, in this new city, Emily curses CeCe Drake - not for the first time, not for the last time.

"Do I know you?"

"I went to high school with your brother."

"You went to school with Noel?" Eric Kahn asks confused, from his place at the door.

"Yeah."

"Oh. Cool. Come in, come in," Eric says as he waves Emily inside.

Eric leads her to her new room and Emily places her bags and suitcases inside.

"So, uh. All CeCe told me was that you're chill and into girls."

"Yes?" Emily asks furrowing her brows.

"Awesome. It's been like the fucking Sahara Desert in my life recently. You gotta help a brother out."

"Sorry?" Emily asks horrified.

"Be my wingman, bro. Ladies got mad game," Eric explains.

Before he can say anything else, his phone rings.

"Ah, I gotta take this. Make yourself at home!"

As Eric leaves to go back into his room, Emily pulls out her phone and begins to type.

**Emily**  
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you [4:00 PM]

**CeCe**  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA [4:12 PM]

 

* * *

 

Still, despite her initial hesitation, Eric is not a bad roommate. He works nights as a bartender, sleeps through the morning, and spends his afternoons exercising. If he cooks, he makes sure to make enough for two and he keeps the bathroom clean. Emily can't really complain.

Best of all though, he cared very little about the things that went on in Rosewood. He doesn't ask, so Emily doesn't share. She is nothing short of thankful.

 

* * *

 

"Did you find a job yet?"

"Yeah. I'm working at this flower shop making deliveries. It's nice."

"I'm glad, honey."

"Me too, Mom."

 

* * *

 

About a week into her new job, Emily is walking down the stairs of the apartment complex she just made a delivery in. She's reaching the second floor staircase, when a group of kids open the door and rush out with a soccer ball and a large golden retriever. It's a mess.

The kid with the ball drops it and the dog rushes after it, pulling with him the kid holding on to the leash. The rest of the kids - six in total - rush to try to stop both the ball and the dog simultaneously. Emily gets caught in the mess, trips, and falls.

Two hours later, she's waiting at the hospital to find out if her ankle is broken or not.

_Great,_ Emily thinks.

"Good news, Ms. Fields. We just got your x-rays back and it seems it's only a sprain. You will need some medication to help with the swelling and some crutches for the next week or so, but with rest you should be good to go in the next two weeks," The ER doctor says, as he writes up her prescription.

"Thank you, Doctor."

"The nurse will bring you the crutches shortly," the doctor nods at Emily, and then exits the room once he hands her the prescription.

After getting her crutches, Emily begins to exit. She's barely outside the ER when she hears her name being called. Emily turns to look and her eyes widen.

"Wren, hi."

"Hi, what happened?" he asks as he approaches.

"Tripped down some stairs, I'm fine."

"Did you get a prescription?"

"Uh, yeah," Emily says as she balances on her crutches and pulls it out. She hands it to Wren who reads it.

"Ah, Dr. Smythe. He's good," he smiles. "Anyway, I've actually got some free samples of this at home. My roommate, Colin, smashed his hand on a cab door and it swelled up like a balloon. I could get this for you, so you don't have to pay."

"Thank you, Wren, but that's not necessary."

"Nonsense," he says, pulling out a pen and his prescription pad from his coat. "Melissa's hosting a small dinner party tomorrow. I'm sure she'd like you to come." He hands Emily the paper and Emily sees there's an address written on it. "Come and have a meal, and I'll give you the medication. Just make sure you ice your foot until then," he smiles.

"Um.."

"That is, if you're still going to be here tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah. I just moved, so."

"Great! See you then!" he replies, as he heads inside the hospital.

As Eric's car pulls up to pick her up a few minutes later, all Emily can think is,  _what the fuck?_

 

* * *

 

She shows up with pastries for dessert.

The door opens and -

"Hello," a man she's never seen before smiles at her.

"Um. Are you Colin?"

"Yes, I am. Can I help you?"

"Wren invited me. I'm Emily."

"Ah! The mystery guest, come in come in," he says gesturing her inside. "Oh, let me," he reaches to grab a hold of the box of pastries.

"Thanks," Emily says.

"So, Alicia just called to say she couldn't find a sitter. That leaves us three and your mystery guest," Melissa Hastings says.

"Who is here," Colin says, gesturing to Emily.

As Melissa turns, her eyes widen. "Emily?"

"Uh, hi," Emily says. "Wren invited me. We bumped into each other at the hospital," she adds, gesturing to her crutches.

"Hello, Emily," Wren says, as he points to a bag on the counter. "That would be for you, but I suggest you wait until later to take it. We're drinking wine."

"Sure," Emily smiles.

"Emily brought dessert," Colin adds.

"Lovely," Melissa says, in that perfected Hastings tone of condescension.

Emily grits her teeth.

 

* * *

 

After a somewhat stilted dinner, in which they all tried to catch up with each other as if they were old friends - instead of strangers at best, the older sister and ex-boyfriend of one of Emily's best friends, at worst - they head out to a bar for drinks.

A few drinks in, Colin and Wren are playing darts with what look to be some college girls. The flirting is strong, and Emily wonders how Melissa can just sit with that blank look on her face at their table.

Emily's first instinct is to apologize for something.

"I'm sorry. About dinner. I didn't know Wren hadn't told you he invited me. I wouldn't have come if I knew you didn't -"

"They miss you."

"Sorry?"

Melissa turns away from looking at the game and locks eyes with Emily, "The girls. Spencer. They miss you."

"Oh," Emily swallows.

"Do you want to know how they're doing?" Melissa asks.

Emily ponders it for a moment. She knows she's kept her distance all this time because she needed it. But now, thinking about them doesn't feel like a weight pressing in on her, not anymore. She realizes she _does_ want to know. She's ready.

_Sink or swim, yeah?_

"Yes," Emily says, looking back at Melissa.

"I have Aria on Facebook. She's at SCAD, dating this tattooed painter. Total tortured-soul hipster, but they look cute together. She looks happy."

Emily smiles at that. She can just picture Aria letting her creativity take over. She can imagine how freeing it must feel.

"Spencer tells me Hanna and her boyfriend are practically married already. Living it up in New York."

Hanna and Caleb, still together. The thought warms her heart.

"And Spencer?"

"She's good. She's at Yale trying to live up to ridiculous expectations, but you know us Hastings. We're not living if we're not fighting _something_ ," Melissa says as she takes a big gulp of her drink.

"What are _you_ fighting?" Emily boldly asks.

Melissa's eyes widen in surprise at the question, before she laughs.

"What aren't I fighting, honestly? Anyway, aren't you interested in hearing how Alison DiLaurentis is doing?" Melissa asks with a smirk.

Sometimes, Emily wonders just how much people _know_ , because the look in Melissa's eyes is nothing short of challenging.

"Sure," Emily replies, trying to sound nonchalant.

Melissa rolls her eyes at her, "She's at the Academy of Fine Arts in Philly, being Ali."

Before Emily can respond to that, Melissa speaks up again, "I would have thought you would know, what with being around CeCe Drake and Eric Kahn."

Emily bites her tongue. A few choice words spring to mind, but this is Spencer's _sister_. Despite everything, that title still holds some weight.

Emily settles for staying quiet.

About five minutes later, Melissa speaks up again.

"I always thought Spencer should have dated you. Saved herself some heartbreak."

"Are she and Toby not…"

"They broke up around Christmas."

Loud cheering catches their attention, and they both look to see Wren with his arms around one of the women.

"We're getting married in a few weeks," Emily raises an eyebrow at this. "I suggested we..." Melissa laughs. "I suggested we get it all out of our systems before the wedding."

Emily looks back over and sees that the small group seems to be exiting the bar, arm in arm. Wren glances back at them, looks at them each, and then winks.

Melissa's hand tightens around her glass.

And then it _clicks_ for Emily. Emily can't help but laugh at the absurdity.

Melissa glares at her.

"Sorry. I just, I don't think I've ever been a present for somebody." Melissa takes a sharp breath. She reaches over and quickly downs her remaining drink. "My ankle's busted."

"That won't be problem," Melissa says as she stands up, a blush crawling up her neck. Emily laughs, _of course_. "You don't have to do this, you know?" Melissa then says as she finishes getting her coat on.

"What? Get whored out by your fiancé?" Emily asks drily.

"Have sex with me."

"Do you want to?" Emily asks. Melissa blushes again.

"Yes," she answers without hesitation. Emily spares a thought for the fact that this is Spencer's _sister_. Still, Emily would be lying if she said she didn't find Melissa attractive; would be lying if she said she wasn't curious about this whole ordeal.

"Okay, then," Emily says with an easy smile, as she too gets up.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Emily is laying on her back, Melissa's face in the crook of her neck. They're catching their breath and all the while Melissa's hand traces the tattoo on Emily's hip.

"Courage," Melissa says softly.

Emily is past being surprised by the things the Hastings sisters know, so she just nods.

"Courage."

_Sink or swim._

 

* * *

 

Three days later, something addressed to a Ms. Fields and a Mr. Kahn arrives in the mail.

It's Melissa and Wren's wedding invitation.

_Sink._

At the bottom is the explicit instruction to RSVP.

Emily pulls her phone out to call in their attendance.

_Swim._

 

* * *

 

The day of the wedding, both Emily and Eric dress in their best and head over to the venue. Emily's thankful her ankle is better because, even if she has to wear flats, at least she doesn't have to use the crutches anymore.

The minute they walk into the outside patio, Eric stops a woman from the wait staff and asks about getting a drink.

"The family has requested that all food and drinks not be served until after the ceremony."

"Which family?" Eric asks incredulously.

The woman just shrugs and walks away.

"Peter and Veronica must be thrilled," Eric mutters.

Before Emily can respond, a voice calls out to them.

Emily looks to see both Colin and Wren approaching them.

Colin goes for a hug from both, while Wren merely shakes Eric's hand and nods at Emily.

"The place looks beautiful. Congratulations," Emily comments.

"Thank you. You know Peter and Veronica would not settle for anything less," Wren replies, a touch of snark in his tone.

"Mr. Kingston, they're ready," interrupts the same woman from earlier.

"Of course," Wren nods at them all and heads over to the makeshift altar.

Colin gives them a smile before dutifully following.

"It's time for you to take your seats," the woman says directed at them.

Eric narrows his eyes at her, but before he can get another word in edgewise, Emily thanks the woman and pulls him away.

 

* * *

 

Before long, the band starts playing and the ceremony begins.

It's not until Melissa is the only one left to walk down the aisle that Emily makes eye contact with _her_.

From where she's standing, Emily deduces that she's the maid of honor.

Emily gives a tight smile.

Spencer just raises an eyebrow in surprise.

 

* * *

 

After the ceremony, the guests are led into the inside patio for some hors d'oeuvres. Emily and Eric work as a team grabbing a few too many and, according to Eric, _finally_ grabbing some fucking drinks.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, the main wedding party finishes their photo session outside and heads back in.

Spencer and Colin make lovely speeches, as maid of honor and best man, respectively.

And if Spencer manages to mention something about Melissa being a _ride or die sister_ , Emily manages to disguise her laugh as a cough.

Peter Hastings also makes a speech.

After that, the official meal is served.

Eric chokes on his first bite and the woman from earlier smacks him on the back as she walks by.

 

* * *

 

Then comes the dancing.

"I fucking _hate_ weddings," Eric mutters.

 

* * *

 

It's not until at least another hour later that, as she's exiting the bathroom, Emily bumps into Spencer.

Or rather, sees Spencer waiting for her leaning against the wall in the hallway.

"Uh, hi," Emily manages to get out.

"Hello." They stare at each other. Spencer clears her throat before speaking again. "Eric Kahn told me you were here," she says gesturing to the bathroom. It's not a question, but Emily can hear the curiosity in her tone.

"Yeah, he's my date." Spencer raises an eyebrow. "I mean, like my escort. I mean, he's my roommate."

"Your roommate...?"

"He's not that bad, I mean he did pick me up from the hospital that one time."

Spencer's eyes widen, "The hospital?"

Emily slowly blinks as she lets out a breath, "Sorry, I'm making a mess of this aren't I?"

"A little," Spencer shrugs with a smile. "Come on, I know where we can talk."

She grabs a hold of Emily's hand and leads her away.

 

* * *

 

Emily doesn't know how much time has passed. The two of them are lying side by side on a bed in one of the guest rooms of the venue.

They've been quiet for a few minutes now, staring up at the ceiling. A half empty stolen bottle of champagne lay forgotten on the floor next to the bed.

"So, you fucked my sister."

"Yeah," Emily answers, despite it not being a question.

Spencer rolls over to face Emily at that.

"But, you didn't fuck CeCe Drake."

"Nop."

"Good."

A beat passes.

"I'm sorry about Toby," Emily turns her head to her right, only to find Spencer staring intently at her.

"It wasn't the same," Spencer says.

"What do you mean?" Emily asks confused.

"Him leaving. It wasn't like when you left," Spencer swallows.

"Spence..."

"It was like something was missing, you know? And then no calls, no texts, no emails -"

"I'm sorry."

"- you left and I _get_ it, Emily. I _do_. I know what's like to want to just stop having to live up to the expectations of who you are."

Emily closes her eyes, remembers how broken Spencer was in Radley when she thought Toby was dead.

Emily opens her eyes and feels the tears welling up. "It's not the same thing, though," she says softly. "There was no one left for me to save," Emily's voice breaks at that.

Because Toby was _alive_ , but Sara never will be again.

Emily begins to cry in earnest.

Spencer reaches over to wipe at her tears. She gets close enough that their foreheads are touching. Eyes closed, their lips are barely inches from each other's.

"We saved each other," Spencer quietly whispers, as she leans forward to press her lips to Emily's.

The kiss starts soft and comforting, but soon turns heated and passionate.

Spencer rolls on top of Emily and then moves to straddle her, as she begins to take off the bobby pins holding her hair up. Emily sits up with her and moves to unzip the other girl's dress.

Spencer stands and kicks off her shoes and steps out of her dress. She grabs Emily by the arms and hauls her to her feet. Spencer bites at Emily's lips. Emily moans, she feels Spencer move to unzip her dress.

It's only a few seconds later, that Spencer pushes her back on the bed and wastes no time in getting on top of her.

Emily's hands roam Spencer's back and then she unclasps the other girl's bra. Spencer sits back up and tosses it aside.

Emily leans forward and takes one of Spencer's nipples into her mouth.

Spencer moans.

" _Fuck_ , Em."

_Fuck_ , indeed.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, as Emily rests her head in the crook of Spencer's neck, her arm thrown across the other girl's stomach, Emily realizes the truth in Spencer's words.

_You saved yourself Emily, and that's enough._

Ezra wasn't wrong, Emily did save herself, but the warped Dollhouse experience had left her shattered enough to not realize that she had also saved the others.

And that they had saved her.

_No matter what happens_ _, you mean a lot to me._

Sara Harvey wasn't hers to save.

It's a tough pill to swallow.

_Sink or swim._

It's up to you to make that choice.

 

* * *

 

When Emily wakes the next morning, it's to a knock at the door. She glances to the side to see Spencer, clad in a bathrobe, let one of the servers bring in breakfast. Spencer thanks the woman as she leaves.

Spencer looks over and sees Emily, "Morning, sleepyhead."

"Morning," Emily croaks out.

As Spencer begins to divvy up the food, Emily sits up, holding the sheet to her chest. Another knock at the door comes, but this time the door opens before either of them can react.

"Spencer, have you seen my…" Melissa trails off as she takes in the scene in front of her. She looks at both of them, before letting out a deep sigh, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Spencer just proceeds to take a big bite of her toast, crumbs falling everywhere.

Emily snorts. Melissa rolls her eyes and exits the room with a huff.

And a small smile.

Spencer looks back at Emily and shrugs. Emily tosses a pillow at her.

"You're terrible," Emily says laughing.

 

* * *

 

After Emily takes a shower and borrows some of Spencer's clothes, the two say their goodbyes.

"Thank you, for everything," Emily says, as she reaches forward to hug Spencer.

"Of course," the other girl answers, as she pulls back. She swallows before speaking again, "I'll, uh, see you soon, yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean, my gap year is almost over," Emily smirks.

Spencer's eyes widen as a smile takes over her face, "Let me know when you fly back. We'll throw you a party."

 

* * *

 

That afternoon, Emily walks into her flat only to find someone sitting at their kitchen counter. Eric at the stove cooking. Both of them turn at the sound of the door, and Emily holds back a laugh at realizing their guest is the server from the night before.

"Fields! You want me to save you some of this?" Eric asks.

"I already ate. Thanks, though."

"I mean, I already ate too, but…"

The woman wastes no time in grabbing a magazine off the counter and throwing it at Eric's face.

Emily laughs as she heads into her room.

Once inside, her phone beeps. A new email. Emily opens up the app to check.

_Dear Ms. Fields:_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted for admission to Temple University for the Fall Semester…_

Emily laughs.

She taps out of the app and proceeds to send a few texts.

 

* * *

 

**Emily**  
So, about that party. [4:05 PM]

**Spencer**  
:))) [4:06 PM]

 

* * *

 

**Emily**  
Tell Wren thank you for the recommendation letter. [5:30 PM]

**Melissa**  
You're welcome. [5:32 PM]

 

* * *

 

**Emily**  
SUCK MY DICK [5:35 PM]

**CeCe**

*tongue emoji* [3:00 AM]

 

* * *

 

**Emily**  
Thank you both so much! [5:45 PM]

**Group MMS**

**Zoe**  
Of course! :) [5:50 PM]

**Nicole  
** Congratulations, babe! [5:52 PM]

 

* * *

 

**New Text**

**Ezra  
** *smiling poop emoji* [5:58 pm]

**Emily**  
*arm muscle emoji* [5:59 PM]

 

* * *

 

**Emily**  
I got in! [6:00 PM]

**Mom is calling…** [6:00 PM]

 

* * *

 

JFK is as lively as ever when Emily's flight touches down, despite it being close to midnight.

She's on her way out of the terminal when someone catches her eye.

She looks over and _oh_.

_Life's got a funny sense of humor_ , Emily thinks as Paige McCullers waves her over.

 

* * *

 

They've been sitting together for about 10 minutes, exchanging small talk, when Paige finally asks, "So, you're back for good?"

"Yes," Emily says with a small smile. "I am."

"I'm glad," Paige smiles back.

"Do you remember..." Emily trails off.

"Do I remember what?" Paige asks encouragingly.

"Do you remember when I got injured? You said to me when we were sitting by the pool, _you're gonna swim again_."

"I do," Paige answers with a fond look.

"I was afraid I forgot, you know. After Sara, after everything. I was afraid I forgot how to swim."

"And now?"

"Now... I wasn't anchor for nothing, you know?" Emily jokes.

Paige laughs.

"Hey, sorry. The line at that pizza place was insane, apparently some flight got delayed," a new voice interrupts them.

Emily looks up and sees a dark skinned woman. She's got green eyes, black hair, and a million bracelets on.

"Uh, Emily. This is Corrine, my girlfriend. Cor, this is Emily Fields."

Emily stands and shakes the other woman's hand.

Corrine's eyes widen in recognition.

"Emily. It's great to meet you."

"Likewise," Emily says. "Well, I better get going. It was great to see you both. You should hit me up when you get back from your vacation. We could all have dinner or something," Emily finishes.

"I'd like that," Corrine shyly smiles.

Paige stands and doesn't hesitate to pull Emily in for a tight hug. Corrine steps away to give them some space.

"She's cute," Emily comments.

"I know," Paige confidently states.

As they pull back, Paige speaks again.

"Do you remember when you and the girls got back from New York? After you came back with Alison," Paige asks.

Emily nods.

"You said to me, _you_ _deserve the best of everything_."

"You do."

"And so do _you_ , Emily."

Emily looks down. She lets out a small laugh.

"Thank you," She says looking back up.

Paige smiles.

Emily begins to walk away, but before she's too far, she speaks up one more time.

"Enjoy the beaches in Puerto Rico! I hear they're lovely!"

"Thanks!" Paige says, at the same time that Corrine confesses, just above the airport noise, "I don't know how to swim."

Emily's eyes widen and she laughs all the way out.

 

* * *

 

Emily knocks on the door once.

Twice.

Three times.

As she's about to knock for a fourth time, the apartment door swings open.

Holding a bat, his hair disheveled, wearing his shirt on backwards and still in his boxers, Caleb answers the door.

His eyes widen when he recognizes who it is. He sets the bat down before pulling Emily in for a hug.

"You should have called. We would have picked you up," Caleb says, in his gravelly voice.

"Thanks, but that kinda defeats the purpose of a surprise, doesn't it?"

Caleb laughs.

When they pull apart, Caleb let's Emily all the way into the apartment. Emily looks around and not a second later she spots the body leaning against the hallway wall.

"Hi," Emily says.

"Hi," Hanna replies.

Caleb moves past them and heads into the hallway. A few minutes later, he comes back out with a pillow and some blankets. He kisses Hanna on the cheek and smiles at Emily as he goes to get himself settled on the couch.

Hanna pushes away from the wall and heads down to what Emily guesses is the master bedroom.

Emily dutifully follows.

 

* * *

 

A few minutes later, they're settled in bed, lying on their sides facing each other.

Emily's unsure of where to begin.

Until.

"So, did you bring me anything or what?" Hanna asks.

Emily laughs.

They spend the whole night talking.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Emily and Hanna wake up to find Caleb cooking them all breakfast.

It sounds like he's speaking to himself, until Emily notices the laptop on the counter.

Caleb turns around and smiles at them.

"Hey. Someone was a bit antsy," he says, as he reaches over to turn the computer to face them.

"Hey! Excitable is just fine," Aria says, her big smile visible even all the way through Skype.

Emily smiles at her.

"Hey."

"Hey."

The four of them have breakfast together.

Halfway through, Spencer's Skype call comes through as well.

_Home is where the heart is and mine is right here_ , Emily thinks.

Although she can't help but feel like something is missing.

_Someone_.

 

* * *

 

"Oh honey, I'm so happy you're back," Pam says, as she and Emily hug. "I missed you so much," she finishes, the emotion in her voice clear.

"I missed you too, Mom."

As Emily pulls back she goes over and hugs her Dad.

"Good to have you home, Emmy."

"Good to be home, Dad."

"Oh honey, I made your favorite. How was the drive over? I heard there was some accident just outside the city?"

 

* * *

 

After dinner, they sit around in the living room all three of them catching up.

Emily telling them stories about all the things she saw on her trip, while her parents tell her about their lives back in Texas.

Eventually, a comfortable lull falls over them, before Pam speaks up.

"You know, Alison calls me every Sunday at 6 pm."

Emily raises an eyebrow.

"The first time she called me, she wanted to get in contact with you, but I knew you wanted your space from all the girls. The second time she did it, she wanted to know where you where and how long you would be away. The third time, she just called to see if you were okay."

"What are you trying to say?" Emily asks, not unkindly.

Pam smiles fondly. "After she realized that you were okay, but needed your space, she called every Sunday - an hour after you did. She would ask if you had called, I'd say yes, and then we would talk. About our weeks, about her classes, about recipes I would suggest to her, about exercise, about books…" Pam trails off. "She called every Sunday and it took me a while to realize that she wasn't only checking up on you, she was checking up on me too."

Emily smiles softly at that, "She cares."

"She does."

 

* * *

 

The following morning, Emily knocks on the DiLaurentis front door. When it opens, it's actually Jason that answers.

"Oh."

"Good morning, Jason. Is Alison home?" Emily asks.

"She is," a voice speaks up from behind Jason. Jason rolls his eyes and walks back into the house.

"Sorry, he's waiting for a package," Alison explains as she reaches the door.

"Have you eaten?" Emily asks.

"What?"

"I was hoping you would get brunch with me," Emily explains.

"Oh," Alison says softly. "Like…" she swallows. "To catch up or..."

"Sure. But also, as a date," Emily confidently says.

Alison's eye's widen before she let's out a nervous laugh, "Y-yes. Sure. Let's go."

 

* * *

 

Halfway into their surprisingly easy meal, Emily reaches over to place her hand over Alison's. "My mom told me about what you did. Thank you," Emily says, as she squeezes Alison's hand.

Alison is staring intently at them, as she turns her hand over and laces their fingers together.

"Of course," Alison replies softly.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Spencer's party goes down.

They're all wasted by 10 pm.

As Emily sits on the Hastings couch, Alison's warm body against hers, she looks over at her friends.

The rest of the gang is trying to learn some dance move off of a Youtube tutorial.

Caleb is surprisingly the best at it, followed by Aria.

Hanna has hit Spencer in the face twice already.

Spencer keeps getting her right and left hands confused.

"They're so bad," Alison giggles against her neck.

"Yeah, they are," Emily says. She feels Ali move and so she looks down at her. Her blue eyes are staring intently at Emily.

"I missed you," Alison says.

"I missed you, too," Emily replies. Emily reaches over to cup Alison's face before gently kissing her. It's their first kiss since she's been back and to Emily, here in this room surrounded by these drunk idiots, it couldn't have been more perfect.

_You said you missed me the most._

_You were the hardest one to leave behind._

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Alison is over at her house helping her mother cook dinner. Emily is content to just sit back and watch.

"Emily, have you thought about what things from your room you want to take with you to Philly already?" Pam suddenly asks.

"Uh, not yet," Emily responds.

"Well, don't leave it for the last minute. Your father might need to make arrangements with movers," Pam says.

"Mom, I don't even have a place yet," Emily laughs.

"Oh," Pam looks up from the vegetables she's chopping. She glances at Alison, who's standing beside her helping her with the task. "I just assumed..." Pam trails off.

Emily raises an eyebrow in Alison's direction.

Ali finally looks up, a small blush on her cheeks. "It's just that… I may have mentioned to your Mom that I have the space. You know, if you're interested. Unless you're not, which would be totally fine," Alison rushes to explain.

Emily smiles at them, "Okay."

"Okay?" Alison hesitantly asks.

"Okay," Emily confirms, as the other girl lets out a breath in relief. As Ali turns to dump her vegetables in a pot, Pam looks over and smiles at Emily.

Emily smiles back.

 

* * *

 

Less than a week later, Emily and Alison are laying on Alison's bed softly kissing.

"Wait, we should -" Alison interrupts, as she pulls out her phone and takes a picture of them.

"Let me see," Emily says. Their hairs are a mess, they're obviously lying down, but the goofy smiles on their faces even as they kiss make it cute, rather than obscene.

"I love it," Emily smiles.

"How much?"

"How much what?" Emily asks confused.

"How much do you love it?" Alison asks, as she waves the phone in her hand.

Emily smirks and reaches forward to take a hold of Ali's phone.

She taps on it a few times before handing it back to Alison. Alison blushes even as a huge grin overtakes her face.

Emily has made it her Facebook profile picture and not only that but -

_Emily Fields and Alison DiLaurentis are in a relationship._

Alison giggles as she confirms the relationship update. She drops her phone on the side table and rolls over to land on top of Emily.

"How much?" Emily asks.

"How much what?" Alison's asks back.

"How much do you love me?"

Alison smirks, before she slowly drags her body over to unbutton Emily's jeans.

It's only a few moments later that Emily feels her warm tongue as she sucks on her clit.

Emily's hips buck and Ali laughs.

Alison move back up and kisses Emily. Emily moans at the taste of herself.

"I love you," Alison says, as they part.

"I love you too."

As they continue to kiss - and pull off each other's clothes - they ignore their phones' notifications going off.

**Talia Sandoval,** **Zoe WR, Eric Kahn, Melissa Hastings, Caleb Rivers,** and 10 others  Like this.

**Vivian Darkbloom** commented on your profile picture: ABOUT TIME GET THAT PU$$Y  
**Hanna Marin** commented on your profile picture: Um. Congrats?  
**Spencer Hastings** commented on your profile picture: Please tell me you guys aren't having sex in this picture.  
**Aria Montgomery** commented on your profile picture: I'm happy for you guys. *heart emojis*  
**Nicole Gordon** commented on your profile picture: Well done, babe! ;)  
**Ezra Fitz** commented on your profile picture: *smiling poop emoji*  
**Pam Fields** commented on your profile picture: Girls, you know I can see this right?

 

* * *

 

**END.**


End file.
